"Isn't it funny how day by day, nothing changes, but when you 

look back 

everything is different..."

-C. S. Lewis

2014 :: year in review...

Last year kept me whirling... Having Nana Parish with us and selling her house, Mom's mom dealing with cancer/surgery, Bryant in the Philippines, all my photography (particularly wedding) gigs, Monique's family's accident, and Zach's last year of nursing school (as well as other things that entailed...) are some of what comes to mind the most prominently when I think of last year.  A very full year, yes? =)  Although I never wrote it on here, journaling and cultivating thankfulness were my two goals for 2014.  Thankfulness, because I was feeling so self-pitying at the end of 2013, and knew that I was going to need a more thankful spirit for me to be able to pull out of that. Nana had come to live with us by then, Mama was gone ALL the time with her mom physically (thus, schooling was kind of on the back burner and the kids were a mess emotionally a lot of that time) plus wasn't very emotionally available either with dealing with suicidal brothers/etc., and I still felt like I wasn't completely rejuvenated after the wedding in December with Olivia R.  In short, I felt very weary.  But weary to the point that I was focusing on self rather than looking outward and finding joy in loving and serving others (including in my own home).  I wrote this at the beginning of the 2014 new year:

It makes me feel sort of young and immature when I think of the things that God still has to pull me through... emotions, and all that good stuff.  But it's good to realize that I'll always need Him, and He'll always be teaching me. And that sometimes it takes something crazy for Him to do that. =P
"Faith is dependence upon God. And this God-dependence only begins when the self-dependence ends. And self-dependence only comes to its end, with some of us, when sorrow, suffering, affliction, broken plans and hopes bring us to that place of self-helplessness and defeat. And only then do we find that we have learned the lesson of faith; to find our tiny craft of life rushing onward to a blessed victory of life and power and service undreamt of in the days of our fleshly strength and self-reliance." -James McConkeyand..."It is a great thing to learn faith: that is, simply dependence upon God. It will comfort you much to be assured that the Lord is teaching you dependence upon Himself, and it is very remarkable that faith is necessary in everything. 'The just shall live by faith, not only in your circumstances, but in everything. I believe the Lord allows many things to happen on purpose to make us feel our need of Him. The more you find Him in your sorrows or wants, the more you will be attached to Him and drawn away from this place where the sorrows are, to him in the place where He is." -J.B. Stoney
It is great thing to learn faith!  It is a great thing to learn to lean on the shoulder of your Lord, and not on your own knowledge.  Praise be to Him who allows sorrows and wants (and defeat!) to bring us to a place where we are moving onward to a blessed victory of life!

I hate drama (that involves me, at least), emotional roller-coasters (real-live ones, of course), and change (ooh, was I in for it).  I knew I was crazy emotional, and I also knew I needed to something about it.  What I didn't know was that all of 2014 was going to be a heart-tugging year (yes, an emotional one), and that I was going to be able to learn "leaning on the Lord" and "finding victory in defeat" a whole lot.  Oh, yes... and change.  That too.

Basically, I feel like one of the biggest things I learned this year, in all it's glory, is that:

I found myself.  I was able to accept I'm a human, subject to emotions.  And that emotions aren't necessarily evil enemies, but ways of feeling, something that we can delight in.  Ways of allowing you to partake in life and relationships.  There was also a lot of finding myself in weakness, defeat, but dependence on God, and ultimately "moving onward to a blessed victory of life" and "drawn away from this place where the sorrows are, to Him in the place where He is".  There's so much joy in abiding in Him.  Even when you don't understand yourself.  Cause that's something else I learned:  I'm never going to completely understand myself.  I'm never going to completely understand God.  I'm a human with a finite mind that can't comprehend such big things.  But I can take the manna as it comes from The Giver of all good things, trusting that is faithful and He gives me what I need every new day.  Every new year.

I found myself.  But ultimately, I found more of Him.  I understand the unending mystery of "myself" a little better.  But ultimately, I came to realize what an unending mystery and journey that finding God really is.  And the truth that we are at the beginning of that eternal journey now!

Dec. 2013: He is able
2014:
Not I, but Christ.
Push me to press on.
Is God really among you?
Let HIM fill it


I journaled.  It was a goal  I started with in January last year, and I feel like I followed through with it pretty well.  I love how I can now look back, at the beginning of a new year, and be able to see how I changed, how I dealt with certain situations and events, and how I let different kinds of circumstances effect me.  I feel like it really helped me work through the thoughts in my head better, as I had to be able to relate them on paper, and something I definitely want to try to continue to do this year!


Let It Go.  I'm not a fan of the song that this brings to mind, but this tagline really did stick with me this past year.  I read a lot of good stuff out of a book called "Let Go", and I really felt like letting go was something God knew I needed to learn how to do.  I was tightly holding on to some relationships, of which some He told me I needed to loosen my grasp.  He said I need to stop expecting to be able to lean so much on other people, and find I have a confidant - the best I'll ever be able to find - in HIM.  I had to let go of Miriam.  Eva.  Even the expectations I had of Bryant.  Amara.  I had to stop fighting with His plan, and who He wanted in my/our lives whether I liked it or not.  Jessica.  There were so many time I KNEW that He had the absolute best in mind for us, but I still struggled.  It was so hard for me to say "your will be done".  Even though I fought with it, and I had to force those words out - I can say that it brings you the fullness of joy and contentment when you follow His will, not your own.  Even though I still don't always understand, or "get it" yet.

It's okay to not have it all under control, because He sure does.

Handing over the reigns
Beauty in Hurt
Finding His love when we're leaning on Him


Choose to Be Thankful. It was my other "goal of the year", and, no... I don't think I did very well on this one.  I didn't feel like being very thankful this year, and when I did write out lists of things I was thankful for, etc., it felt fake.  Because I did it more because I knew I needed to rather than because I wanted to.  Looking back over 2014, I'm finding that He IS molding my heart into a thankful one - just not in the way I thought it would happen.  He didn't give me an easy-peasy, fun ride last year.  In fact, it felt opposite.  But that's how He taught me to be thankful in all things.  So, to sum it up?  I didn't do very well on this.  But He did.  Even though I had to constantly let go of what I wanted - He used it all to show me that my ideas aren't usually (ahem...) the best.  That HIS are.  I really am so grateful for all that He taught me in 2014 and what it held.  I'm thankful He broke me, healed me, humbled me, raised me up, took away, and gave to me.  Do I always enjoy these processes?  No.  But I'm thankful.

From Nov. 2013: Choosing to see Him

JOY.  Jesus, others, you.  It seems this kind of went hand-in-hand with choosing to be thankful.  I had to choose to revel in the joy Jesus offers us this year - I had to choose (but, oh boy, is there joy to revel in when you choose to allow Him to fill you with it!). Just like I didn't feel like being very thankful, I also didn't feel like looking giddy with happiness.  Because I wasn't.  I felt sort of drained, empty, nothing to give.  That's when I had to learn to re-focus.  Back on Jesus.  Then back on other people.  Then me.  And not in any other order.  I had to realize there isn't anything in me.  It's all in God, and that's the only place I'm going to find it.  It's when you realize this that things seems to fall into their proper places and you can really find joy.  When you realize HE is in control (not you), that you deserve nothing (yet He gives to you abundantly anyway), and that He has a "rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge" (Isaiah 33:6) - everything you will ever need, and that you aren't going to find much happiness in trying to find it for yourself.

Finding joy
Love thrives on love
Living out the joy, not just faking up a smile
Strength in weariness; following even when you don't understand.

All in all, it was a good year because GOD is good.  It was a year of learning, as always.  It was a long year.  It was a year of finding who I am (and who I'm NOT, who God is and who He's not), of letting go and leaning on Him, of choosing to be thankful and finding joy.

I've changed.  He hasn't.